Content Warning: Description of childhood trauma, which led to young adult trauma in particular, with quite detailed descriptions of rape.
I feel so alone in my feelings sometimes. And I feel so alone in what I can say, express and share on a daily basis. The internet is for everyone. This is my space to be me. A space I actually own the content on and the setup of everything on the backend… Where I can finally speak without the feeling of a hand covering my mouth; literally, like it was in the past, or even metaphorically, like being shadowbanned on YouTube or flagged on social media for being too raw… Or something like that.
If you’re not familiar with my story and haven’t read “Friends of an Unusual Girl,” (or my published memoir “Stories of a Caged Girl”, I can tell you I have been through a lot. So many things, in fact: I lost many relatives and friends and got a few diagnoses as a substitute for that loss… Well, not really… I often express myself sarcastically (in an awkward way) despite my autism. No but really, I just mean I’ve been through a lot; I grew up in an abusive environment and was sexually assaulted and raped at the age of 7, and my entire childhood was filled with violence, both physically, emotionally and sexually. I even survived my ex-boyfriend’s attempt to kill me when I was 19-20, and he was 32-33 years old. He strangled me until I lost consciousness and when I woke up, he just enjoyed himself by raping me and I was in so much pain (both from the previous strangulation and from the ongoing rape in both my vagina and butt) that I couldn’t really say anything to make it stop.
Why am I writing this? Because of a few reasons. 1) Because I CAN and nobody can take my voice away. I’m not tied to a certain social media where I need to abide by any rules about what is “too much” to share. Or what is “not allowed”. Or which words, depictions, or art I’m allowed to use to describe what happened to me. Or to censor myself… And 2) because I have installed this WordPress site on my hosting platform so I can, in theory, write about almost whatever I want. I can finally share things that are “too heavy” for all the light, fluffy-duffy, polished social media like Instagram and TikTok… Even YouTube because they censor like everything and in that also keep that metaphorical hand over the mouth on survivors like me! And lastly, 3) I want to be free, but also educational. I want to be a resource for other trauma survivors, PTSD warriors and disabled cool people, but who may struggle on a daily basis. Some people just need to be reminded they aren’t alone.
And also, I know that it’s not the people affected by trauma who need to be protected by the rules of social media; trigger warnings are there for a reason. The reason why we aren’t allowed to use words such as “rape” or “childhood abuse” or even “sexuality” is not to protect the users; it’s because of pure censorship in a conservative world. People don’t want to see or deal with the reality that people are mistreated, so they put rules in place on social media to keep our mouths shut.
I heavily suspect I’m shadowbanned and suppressed in the YouTube algorithm because I talk about my story…. So now I will talk about it in “cryptic and censored words” but refer people to this site if they want the full story outside of social media sites.
And besides all of this, I want to combine this site with what I do on YouTube that is not just life stories: solo rpg, worldbuilding, dark academia content, art, creative planning and journaling and more.
I’m still in the process of fixing this site and setting up everything in the correct ways. Because I didn’t choose a simple no-code web builder, but instead I chose the technical route of installing WordPress on my web host. So I handle coding, plugins and all the backend too. Naturally that will take some time to get things fully functioning and looking good, compared to if you set up your site on squarespace in an afternoon. No shade to squarespace, I’ve used their service myself before, but now I just wanted a little bit more control over my own web space!
So with all of that said… Stay patient! This site is not a substitute for my social media, but rather an extension of it.
xx
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